6 Well Known Fairy Tales That Aren't All That Fair - Dangerously Genocidal


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Tuesday, 25 April 2017

6 Well Known Fairy Tales That Aren't All That Fair

We all know the happy little fairy tales that keep kids (and adults) entertained these days. After all, companies like Disney has made a fortune bringing them to the silver screen. From sweet little romances to super powered sisterly bonds, these animated fairy tales have brought many a smile, laugh and tear to audiences around the world. But some of these fairy tales aren’t all that happy – or family friendly. In fact, they’re downright disturbing – after all, they were originally intended to teach lessons, not bring out our happy. Here are:

6 Fairy Tales That Aren't All That Fair

1. The Self-Sacrificing Little Mermaid (and The Dick Prince)

The Popular Version: Young mermaid saves a human prince from drowning and falls in love. In exchange for her voice, the witch of the sea gives her human legs. Although some hijinks ensue, the little mermaid does manage to get close to her prince. When the sea-witch interferes, all her fishy, crabby and winged friends stop it – saving the prince and giving the mermaid her voice back. The family bonds again, the mermaid gets her prince, and everyone lives happily ever after. Disney for the win.

The Original Version: Here’s the good news – the start of the story is pretty much the same. The mermaid falls in love with the prince, and immediately sets off to get herself a pair of legs so that she can win his heart. Unfortunately, that’s where the similarities pretty much ends. Not only does every step she takes feel like walking on broken glass, the prince also falls in love with someone else and gets married, leaving the mermaid heart-broken. Her sisters come to the rescue, giving her a dagger to kill the prince with, but our dear mermaid just can’t bring herself to do it. Instead, she chooses to sacrifice herself and become sea-foam. Not exactly the happy ending we all know so well – and definitely not one to spawn a straight-to-video sequel.

2. Little Red Riding Hood The Cannibal (and Beast Bride)

The Popular Version: This is one we all know. Red goes into the forest to take goodies to grandmother. In the process she encounters a wolf who rushes to granny’s house and gobbles her up whole. Red arrives, makes some astute observations, and then gets eaten herself. Thankfully the brave woodsman comes along, chops up ol’ Bad Wolf, rescues Granny and Red, and all’s well that ends well. The perfect little fable if there ever was one.

The Original Version: So, Red goes into the woods and meets a wolf on her way to Granny. The wolf rushes to grandmother’s house and makes a delicious snack out of her. Of course, he doesn’t feel like eating all of her, so he puts some of her flesh in the pantry, and her blood into a bottle, before he jumps into bed. When Red finally arrives, ‘Granny’ tells her to have a nice meal and Red, being a hungry young girl who just walked a long way, scarfs down the remains of dearly departed Grandmother.

Not grisly enough? It gets better! While she’s eating, a cat starts singing: “It is a slut that eats and drinks of her own grandmother’s flesh and blood!”. The little tune gives the wolf all sorts of ideas and, in his twisted fit of inspiration, he makes Red burn her clothes and get into bed with him. Only then does she realize that things aren’t quite kosher. In the ‘friendlier’ original version, Red escapes by claiming that she needs to go to the bathroom outside. In the not-so-friendly version… Red and Wolf enjoy their own twisted little happily ever after. Nice.

3. Sleeping Beauty and The Horny King (An Essay on Stockholm Syndrome)

The Popular Version: The (awesome) new Maleficent film notwithstanding, Disney’s popularized version of this story is widely known. Princess gets cursed by a fairy, pricks her finger and falls asleep. An indeterminate amount of time later a handsome prince shows up, falls in love with the sleeping princess and gives her the kiss of life. Naturally, a beautiful happily ever after follows. The end.

The Original Version: The princess still falls asleep, but from a splinter stuck under her fingernail. Her father, falling into despair, basically wrecks the kingdom. Fast forward 100 years, and a king (not a prince) finds the deserted kingdom and the beautiful sleeping princess. When she doesn’t wake up – and we’ve got to ask, did he really try? – the king proceeds to rape the girl, before he heads back home to his wife. The princess sleeps right through her pregnancy and the birth of her twins, before one of the crying and hungry babes suck the splinter out from her finger. Et voila, the princess wakes up, apparently overjoyed to find that she’s a mother.

The King does eventually return, and the princess falls in love with him – because that makes all the logical sense. Unfortunately for her, the king’s wife gets very jealous, and understandably so. She orders a cook to roast the kids and feed them to her husband, and then tries to burn the princess to death. Thankfully she fails, the princess is saved, and the cook reveals that he couldn’t kill the kids either. The queen is burned to death instead, and the King and the princess get married. Now that’s a twisted happily ever after.

4. Pinocchio, The Evil Wooden Puppet (or, Chucky's First Incarnation)

The Popular Version: A lonely old man creates a little wooden boy for himself, since he always wanted a son. Obviously, young Pinocchio gets into a lot of trouble, goes on an adventure, lies his little nose into a log, turns into a donkey… you get the idea. He’s a little rascal. But, in the end, he gets his wish and becomes a real boy. He even gets his dad, Geppetto, back, and the little family lives happily ever after.

The Original Version: There’s no happy ending here. Not even a hint of one. Blatantly put, Pinocchio is a complete little bastard. He has no redeeming qualities. At all. He’s downright cruel, steals Geppetto’s wig, and even gets the old man arrested. He proceeds to tick off every person he meets, and even kills the wise little cricket who tries to help him out. Finally, the Fox and the Cat – two enemies that Pinocchio had made – decide they’d have enough and they string the puppet up. Even the wind is angry at the puppet boy, blowing it around furiously as it hangs from the tree… until he has horrible spams, and dies. Who said happy endings had to be a ‘thing’?

5. The Mean Fox, The Vengeful Hound and The Murdering Hunter

The Popular Version: Like many a child who saw this film will attest, tears are inevitable. It’s the story of a hunting hound and a fox that become best friends as pup and kit, but their places in life seem to be set. The pup is taken away to become a fully trained hunting hound, and the fox grows up with the lovely old lady who adopted him. Things go wrong between the two friends, but despite adversity, they finally remember what good friends they once were – and all’s well that ends well.

The Original Version: It wasn’t a kindly old lady who adopted the fox, but a hunter instead. When the fox is old enough, the hunter releases the fox back into the wild. The fox returns to the farm frequently enough – not to visit his good canine friend, but to tease the dogs. Finally, one of the dogs decide he’s had enough, breaks free of his chain, and chases the fox. His reward? Getting hit by a train. That’s what finally causes the hunter to go mad with the need for revenge – he kills the fox’s first and second mate’s, and all his children. Tod the fox does die in the end – from being chased to death. Copper, the dog, is also so old by this time that he needs to be put down. So much for friendship overcoming adversity.

6. Hansel, Gretel, The Evil Stepmother, and The Devil's Wife

The Popular Version: Probably one of the most well-known tales out there, everyone knows of the brother and sister who got lost in the woods. Alone and hungry, the siblings stumbled across a lovely gingerbread house – which, naturally, they proceed to snack on. They are caught by the witch who lives there, who starts to fatten up the boy and enslaves the girl. But, as with all fairy tales, the smart kids beat the witch and escape back home to be reunited with their family.

The Original Version: In the oldest version of this tale, the two kids aren’t lost so much as they’re abandoned by their father (on stepmother’s say-so, of course). Like before, they stumble across a gingerbread house… but this house doesn’t belong to just a witch. Instead, you’ve got to deal with the witch and her husband… the devil himself – and that’s not an exaggeration. The devil needs to run a few errands but, before he goes, he tells the witch to put the kids on a sawhorse – that’s a brutal torture device, for those who didn’t know. The kids pretend not to know how to get onto the horse, tricking the witch to do so instead. She gets bled to death when the kids slash her throat and escape. The devil does chase after them but thankfully, the kids do manage to get away. Oh, and the interesting bit? The stepmother ‘disappeared mysteriously’ while they were gone…

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