6 Dumb Ways to Die: Hanky-Panky Edition - Dangerously Genocidal


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Wednesday, 24 May 2017

6 Dumb Ways to Die: Hanky-Panky Edition

Everyone knows the silly song, “Dumb Ways to Die”. Unfortunately, countless moronic deaths happen across the world almost every day. Some have the privilege of passing quietly into the night, their embarrassments hidden away forever. For many others, their idiotic deaths will provide the internet with laughter for years to come.  Here are:

6 Dumb Ways to Die: Hanky-Panky Edition

1. Viagra for Hours! - Sergey Tuganov

Viagra’s warning label says it all: Side effects may include blindness, heart attack, stroke, high blood pressure, asthma, and sudden death. No, those aren’t the symptoms if you OD. Those are the risks from taking just one little tablet. Even then, there are those poor fools who can’t help but tempt fate. Enter Sergey Tuganov.

This eager young man was cornered by two hot women who, in a fit of moronic inspiration, dared Sergey to have sex with them for 12 hours straight. Not only would he get one of the most intense sexual experience of his life but, if he won the bet, they would pay him £3,000 (or $3,000, reports vary). Sergey hopped on the bandwagon like an eager bunny in heat and, just to make sure he won the bet, downed a bottle of Viagra.

He did win the bet. He also dropped dead from a heart attack right after. Now that is one helluva a way to go.

2. Rumble, Tumble, Splat – Chelsea Tumbleston, Brent Tyler

Getting adventurous in the bedroom isn’t all that uncommon. It’s not that rare to get adventurous outside of the bedroom, either. Everyone needs to spice up their love life on occasion – it’s why the Mile High Club exists in the first place. But if you can’t get your hands on an airplane to take things to the highest levels, you might just have to settle for the roof of a building – which is exactly what Chelsea and Brent decided to do.

Unfortunately for the couple, they didn’t pick the best roof for the dead, or the best time either. The roof was still slippery and damp from earlier rains – not to mention sloped – but that didn’t stop the pair for making their way up and getting right down and dirty. It was probably really exciting, too… right up to the point where the couple got a little too carried away and slipped, dropping 50 feet to the pavement below.

If that wasn’t undignified enough, they were found by a cab driver in all their naked glory. What was left of them, anyway. One can only hope that they at least got to the end before they got to their end…

3. The Car Will Keep Us Warm – Reinhard Wallecker, Stefanie Tanzer

Look, we can totally get not wanting to do the deed with mom and dad in the house. That’s just awkward. And probably inviting an interruption just when things are getting good, because mom wants to make sure you and your pretty girlfriend are still doing alright. So sneaking out to the garage to get it on in the car… yeah, it’s understandable. But there’s eager, and then there’s just dumb.

Sneaking out of the house, Stefanie and Reinhard got right too it in the Mazda parked in the garage. While they were going at it, the temperature dropped to a bone-chilling -15C. Reinhard, being the thoughtful lover that he was, turned on the car so that the heater could keep them warm. The couple enjoyed their hanky-panky and then drifted off into blissful post-coital sleep. In the car. With the engine running.

Don’t kids watch movies anymore? Running car + closed garage = DEATH. What is the world coming too?

4. Getting Kinky in The Office Bathroom – Ralph Santiago

As a general rule a person should always avoid any kind of hanky-panky in the office. It never ends well. And no, that rule isn’t waved even if you’re a night guard and there’s no one else around. You should actually stick to sitting at your desk and watching the security monitors because you never know when a smart (or dumb) thief is going to attempt a break in. Ralph Santiago, however, had other plans.

While being alone at the office, Ralph decided it was the perfect time for a little private fun. After doing a little research on auto-erotica, he decided he was going to try asphyxiation – because that is just so completely safe to try when you’re on your own. Armed with his excitement, a full body latex suit, gasmask, gloves and boots, Ralph set off for the men’s bathroom.

To enhance his experience Ralph inhaled a few poppers through the gas mask and proceed with the shenanigans. Granted, Ralphie probably experienced quite the high as he was choking himself, but we have to feel sorry for the morning shift guard that found the oddly clad dead body the next morning…

5. You Should’ve Checked… - Simon Burley, Elizabeth Hallam

If you are going to engage in kinky, dangerous and potentially lethal sex-play, check your equipment. This cannot be emphasized enough. Check. Your. Equipment. Hell, there have even been several celebrities to act as examples of what NOT to do. But sometimes people just don’t get the message. Simon Burley and his girlfriend, Elizabeth Hallam, fall into this category.

Simon apparently had a bit of a thing for hangings. Usually he watched women being hung but, on this particular night, he wanted his girlfriend to pose as a neo-Nazi hangman and give him the noose. Just to make sure that she could cut him down before he was strangled, Simon gave Elizabeth a knife.

The noose was placed, the chair was kicked… but when Elizabeth frantically tried to cut the rope, it turned out the knife was blunt. No surprise how that turned out. The coroner couldn’t help but wonder, though… was this and accident? Or just a really mean suicide?

6. There’s a horse behind you – Kenneth Pinyan (Mr. Hands)

Not too long ago it was, surprisingly, perfectly legal to get it on with animals in Washington State. Not only was it legal, but people regularly did it, too. Actually… not only was it legal and a regular thing, but some people made videos of these encounters (they still do, and zoophilia, or beastiality, still makes its rounds).

Pinyan and a buddy, Michael Tait, decided to visit a farm with the express purpose of having an up-close and personal visit with a stallion called ”Big Dick”. As one might expect, it didn’t work out too well for Pinyan. He was anonymously dropped off at a hospital when he started experiencing pains his buddy made sure he was long gone by the time the doctors came to tell him Pinyan was dead. Cause of death? “Acute peritonitis from the perforation of the sigmoid colon.” In other words, his colon was ruptured.

The video that recording the incident went viral. Due to the whole scandalous event, Washington State passed a bill that made it illegal to get it on with an animal. There was even a documentary done in 2007. Maybe things would have worked out better for Mr. Pinyan if he’d started with the pony, Little Dick, instead.

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