6 Strange and Disgusting Deities Mythology Could Have Done Without - Dangerously Genocidal


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Friday, 19 May 2017

6 Strange and Disgusting Deities Mythology Could Have Done Without

Every family has one – that brother/aunt/third-cousin-twice-removed that no one talks about. So it is in mythology as well; almost every single one has a deity, in one form or another, that makes one wonder ‘Why on earth did they think this one up?’. From ditzy and utterly pointless, to stomach-cramp inducing disgust, here are:

6 Strange and Disgusting Deities Mythology Could Have Done Without

1. Yhi, The Very Creative Creator Goddess (Australia)

Although Yhi isn’t much of a creeper, she had her oddities. She opened her eyes, and there was light. Flowers grew wherever she walked. She made insects out of evil spirits and darkness (which explains mosquitoes and flies) and animals from a 'being' in an ice cave. Unfortunately, Yhi wasn’t exactly a student of anatomy.

After having gone home, the creatures she’d created begged her to come back – the problems ranged from missing legs to too many, while others didn’t have fins or wings. Yhi, wanting only to please, smacked on the missing parts – creating kangaroos, wombats and the poor, poor platypus. Man, however, couldn’t be helped, and remained shunned. In an effort to help Man, Yhi decided to create Woman from a flower – to Man’s consternation, who feared his mate would be another disaster. Thankfully Yhi finally got it right.

2. Tlazolteotl, The Goddess of Holy Manure (Aztec)

Tlazolteotl was supposedly the goddess of dirt and the eater of sin, as well as the goddess of purification. Unfortunately, translations and depictions of the goddess paint a rather different picture. Depicted with questionable markings – supposedly the ‘dirt’ she ate – around her mouth, Tlazolteotl was given ‘liquid gold’ and divine excrement as offerings.  If that sounds a little questionable to you, then you've got your head on right.

We can can use as many analogies or translations as we like but, in the end, it comes down to simple fact: Tlazolteotl ate your faeces and drank your urine. Bon apetit.

3. Bakbakwalanooksiwae, God of Rear-end Reincarnation (Native American)

Many religions have some form of reincarnation. Usually it’s a very beautiful and spiritual experience; other times, it’s depicted to be a bit more of a painful process. Nothing, however, tops Bakbakwalanooksiwae (and isn’t that just a mouthful?) and the reincarnation he offers his worshippers.

As the myth goes, followers are swallowed by one of his many mouths, lose their identities somewhere in the digestive process (I wonder how many calories my old life was worth?) and then, once this ‘purification process’ is complete, you get vomited or… excreted into a new life.

Look on the bright side; next time something goes wrong in your life, blame it on Bakba’s irritable bowel syndrome.

4. Uke Mochi, The Worst Goddess of Food Ever (Japan)

Imagine being invited for dinner by a goddess, with the promise of a delicious meal. Fish, game, rice– just about everything you could imagine in a perfect Japanese meal. Then imagine arriving early and seeing just how the feast was prepared… Uke Mochi prepared the feast by spitting out fish into the ocean, vomiting up animals and hacking up a bowl of rice.

Tsukuyomi, the moon god and her guest for the meal, was so disgusted by her 'cooking method' that he killed Uke Mochi. Unfortunately, things didn’t stop there; even though she was dead, food continued to spill forth out of her body – millet, rice and beans – and her eyebrows turned into silkworms.

Next time, don’t question your mother’s cooking abilities – and enjoy your next meal of sushi.

5. Babi, The Very Virile God of the Underworld (Egypt)

Babi is called the "Bull of Baboons" - he's the alpha monkey with the erection that never ends. So legendary was his phallus that it was used as the mast of the ferry that carried souls in the underworld. When he wasn't busy playing 'Raise the Mast', Babi feasted on human entrails and unrighteous souls.

Now, if necrophilia is your thing, you could invoke his name to have sex in the afterlife. Just remember, dangerously unhinged fertility is one of his characteristics – eternity is a long time to sit with an unending boner. That is, of course, if he doesn't decide to turn your soul into his next meal.

6. Shezmu, God of Questionable Liquor (Egypt)

Shezmu was known to be a lot of fun - he was thought to be a god of partying and celebrating, probably because he was associated with oil and wine presses. Then again, that was just one side of the bipolar god...

As well as being something of a party animal, Shezmu was also a very bloodthirsty god, a slaughterer who dismembered bodies. He was so bad that he even killed and cooked other deities. But here's the topper - Shezmu would make a lovely 'headwine'; created from pressing human heads into a wonderful wine, Babi would serve the drink to the newly arrived undead.

How's that for a party?

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